Chutzpah

Hi. My name is Laura. I have been remiss in my blogging. I have been bad. Very bad indeed.

I lost my 'oomph' for a bit - my chutzpah. ( I looked that cool word up. No definition to be found, but I'm still sure I LOST it.) Cause my get-up-and-go got up and went, too. Probably hand in hand with my chutzpah, and they are gallivanting and cavorting on some beach in the south of France. Without me.

I have been on a downward slippery slope into feelings of depression (again) over the last six months, but now I am clawing my way back up and out. Mainly via increased doses of the hormonal miracle drug progesterone.

I will be okay. Soon I hope.

You know what I've been doing besides regular wife-mother-house type thingies? I've been increasing my joy factor. I've been seriously dogging after collecting delights for my soul. Here is a short list of my personal favorites:

Driving in the car with the windows down letting the wind tussle with my hair, my arm straight out the window, country music blaring. This works best when driving alone.

Watching my little golden finches and red headed house finches gorge themselves on my bird feeder right out my living room window.

Squirting an extra blast of perfume on my neck.

Manicures and pedicures and toe rings.

Sitting in the sun absorbing its healing happy rays.

Reading a really good book.

Watercolor painting in my little travel journal where I chronicle almost every day of my summer. The sketching and painting have been a newly discovered pleasure for me.

Teaching dear friends to quilt. And learning lovely new layouts from them.

Laughter. Especially with family and good friends.

A slow road trip down the coast with my husband - enjoying Italian sodas, Mexican mochas, and hitting every cute little shop along the way. And every bathroom.

Walking through the fields in the early morning light, the hillsides warm in the golden glow of a day just beginning. Listening to the birds.

A buttery bowl of popcorn. (See how WAY down on the list that was??! Impressive!)

Lighting scented candles around the house.

There are so many little blessings from the Lord that increase our joy. I am grateful for every miniature delight that comes my way. So, thanks for listening. I'll be back soon....


PS Google says that Chutzpah means something like 'gutsy audacity.' That's not quite what I wanted it to mean. I wanted it to mean something like 'spit and vinegar,' because that's what I'm missing. But maybe I'm missing my gutsy audacity, too. ;O] I think I'm missing several things....

Biblical Self Talk

Are you in control of yourself? Or are you driven along by feelings, emotions, fears, worries and concerns? It is actually an indulgence to allow yourself to sit down at the table of your own private pity party…looking only to the doldrums and to your own discouraging circumstances.

There are times in our lives when we would do well not to listen to the messages we are telling ourselves. In times of depression or fear or worry we can have lies roiling and boiling around in our heads. Or maybe we have temperament tendencies that lead us into negativity, pessimism, doubt, despair, and over the years have built quite a repertoire of broken record messages that we fall into and allow to lead us around by the nose.

I want to share an amazing truth that has significantly made a difference in my life and walk with the Lord, and I learned it from the book 'Spiritual Depression' by Martin Lloyd Jones.

The truth is this: Learn to take yourself in hand. Don’t be content to lie there and commiserate with yourself, but do something about it, like the Psalmist in Psalm 42:

“Why are you downcast, Oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise Him,
Who is the health of my countenance
And my God.” Vs 5,11

He talks to himself. He turns to himself and says, ‘Self - why are you downcast? Why are you so disquieted?’ We must talk to ourselves instead of allowing ‘ourselves’ to talk to us! Much of our unhappiness in life is due to the fact that we listen to ourselves instead of talking to ourselves.

This man’s soul has been depressing him, crushing him. Self will always drag you down if it is in control; don’t placidly listen. So the Psalm writer stands up and says: ‘Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you.’

Lloyd-Jones says that the main art of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself. You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, exhort yourself, upbraid yourself and say, ‘Hope in God!’ - instead of huddling down in a puddle of misery.

Instead lift your eyes and your face to the face of Christ and feast on Him by speaking truth TO yourself. Remind yourself of what you know to be true:

He is the sure anchor of my soul.
Jesus loves me.
He works all things for good - bar none.
All His ways are lovingkindness and truth.
I have a secure future hope.
His Word is true no matter how I feel.
In my weakness He is strong.
He purchased and sealed me in salvation.
I am a precious child of God.
He is the Way the Truth the Life.
He is the anchor for my soul in the storms of life.
He is able.

Depression #2

I want to write several blog posts on the topic of depression. It is such a devastating thing and I’ve learned just how widespread it is among women; it’s huge. There is comfort available from our Lord; there are truths that will under-gird and strengthen us as we walk that path. I want to share how He personally helped me through those years of darkness, and let me say this: learning to walk in the dark strengthened my faith and my ability to undergo other difficulties and trials in life. He prepared me in a very real sense for even darker future trials, and because I’d learned so much, I was not toppled over or crushed, but met them with faith and trust and hope. And yes, with pain even still, but not pain that smeared me dead across the path of life.

While feelings of depression may result from organic malfunctioning that can be medically diagnosed and treated, a variety of other factors may contribute to this situation as well. In spite of any contributing factor, in spite of there being a medical cause, you must come before the Lord and ask HIM to what purpose He is trying you in this valley of depression. Because believe me, He has a purpose. And this is sovereignly brought about and allowed by Him for our spiritual shaping and molding and maturing. He’s growing us up; and I don’t know about you, but I pay much greater attention when times are tough.

So, there I was, in the middle of a depression, and for three years I struggled along knowing nothing about causes. I knew I had God’s word as my light and guide, and I knew that I was to discipline myself even here for the purpose of godliness. That meant I was to obey Scripture even here, as in all circumstances. God’s word isn’t just for the good days when you feel all pumped up and spiffy.

So this gave me a path - a way to point my feet - a direction to aim my face. When all is dark and you don’t know what to do, when feelings of being overwhelmed or inadequate flood you, this is when you fall back on the truths of God’s word. He speaks from His word what He desires for us. His word sheds light on our way. He illumines the path by this precious beacon of truth. Don’t neglect it.

And depression is not dealt with in isolation, its tentacles are far-reaching and its effects are broad across all relationships and areas of our life, but this is a God-given opportunity to biblically address it all.

I never asked “why” the Lord had me in this state. My question was “WHAT?” “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?” “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?” I was desperate to DO it and then move on. I wanted OUT. Its so interesting that my Lord kept me there, but I know on this day looking back to those days, that it had a very, very good purpose in my life. I know my Lord better. I love Him more. I trust Him more. And I have more stamina and strength for the trials of life as they come. I was humbled, and in that humbling I was softened.

You know, God could have easily revealed to me in my very first year of depression that it was caused by my hormones being all catawampous. He didn’t. He was able to; that news didn’t catch Him by surprise; He knew, but He had a much higher purpose and good work to do in me. This is good to remember and to comfort ourselves with, because we will find ourselves in the midst of various difficulties in life, and the truth that He knows right where we are is a comforting one. We are not lost and wandering, but walking a path pre-ordained for us to walk in.

Depression

A quagmire of quicksand for our feet…raging waters knocking us flat…darkness complete and smothering…loss of hope and peace. Soul-robbery…groaning night and day…joyless, hopeless…minds without anchor roving through dark wastes and barren places. Hands that fall limply into laps and sapped strength and a spirit of heaviness. No margin, no elasticity, no resilience, no bounce-back ability, no stretching - just crumbling, crashing, soul-crouching misery.

Depression.

I dwelt in that dark barren land for a long three years of my life. It marked me and changed me, but in the end taught me deep and precious truths about God and His ways with His children.

Each of us faces a sobering variety of painful, faith-trying, gut-wrenching circumstances that take us beyond our own human ability to cope. What do we do then? With what truths of Scripture do we comfort ourselves?

I learned to throw myself upon my Savior - the One who ordained and chose these trials for me, who shaped and molded them, and gently placed them in my midst.

This Savior is a God of love, He is good, and He is all knowing - so that ultimately we can rejoice in all things - because behind all of our trials and tribulations stands the Lord and His eternal kind-intentioned will and good purpose.

Boy - I went screaming to His door with all of my might. Over and over. And He met me and helped me. Not how I would have asked Him to, not by any means as quickly as I would have desired, and not by pulling me out of the dark trial by the scruff of the neck and placing me in the light again. No.

But He walked with me, beside me, and taught me to rely on the truth of His word even when I couldn’t see it or feel it. He did not take me out of the raging waters; He actually kept me under them to a higher purpose.

In the dark I clung tightly to His word, and one verse in particular was a comforting help to me.

“Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of His servant?...that walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on His God.” Isaiah 50:10

Several times throughout that chapter in Isaiah it declares, “It’s the Sovereign Lord who helps me.”

Let me tell you, all I could do sometimes was reach my hand up and hold tight to Him - clinging to Him with all my might.

Suffering in the land of depression surely strips away any self-confidence and everything else we might depend upon but Him. And this is HIS work! He gives us no promises for a life of ease; He never tells us we will have perfect health or even draw another breath. He does not always stay the awful things that can happen in this life.

But they are tools in His hands to shape and mold us and chip away at us until we are perfect in His sight. And the work that He began on our day of salvation He will complete; He will continue to ‘carpenter’ us. That was like THE good news to me. He had not thrown in the towel or given me over as too hard a nut to crack. This was His specific assigned portion for me - His beloved, precious, imperfect child.

Do not lose hope. Look up.